Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I am feeling like every step forward that I take is leading me around in a circle to back where I started on that horrible morning where my soul broke.  Steps back wards lead me closer to the same spot.  No matter which way I go I am just circling back  to that day when my heart was ripped from my chest and my soul torn from my body.

Sometimes my soul aches so badly I want to cause myself physical pain so I can overcome the emotional pain for a little while.  I haven't, and won't, but I can't say the thought has not crossed my mind.  There are times I want to shriek and scream as loud as I can so I can not hear my brain yelling at me that I murdered my little girl.  Yell as loud as I can so I can ignore the little voice that says "see, you were right, you should have gone to the hospital that night."  There are times where I wish I was the one in the unmarked grave so I would not need to look in the mirror and see dead, swollen eyes looking back at me terrorizing me with the thought that even my doctor now says had we gone earlier things might have turned out differently.

They say on shabbat you get an extra soul.  Maybe that is why I tend to feel extra terrible on shabbat.  That being the case, maybe it would be better if I were not shomer shabbat.  I know that's not going to happen.  Apart from the fact that I am pretty sure I do still believe in God (even if I do not particularly like him very much) it would also likely mean losing most of my friends and neighbours whom I have come to rely on and think of as family.

The truth is, I do not want an extra soul.   Right now I do not even want my standard one.  There shoulds be a used souls shop where you can go to pick out one you would prefer.  Here, take my soul that is broken from loosing a child and I'll take... oh, this one looks nice.  What happened to it?  Didn't make proper brachot and has to go back as an apple so someone can make a bracha on it in order to fulfill it's tafkid in life?  Sounds like a good trade to me..  What do I owe you for this used soul?"

Anyone want a broken soul?  Going real cheap.  Think of it as a puzzle you need to put back together.   Not sure what sort of glue you need though.

As always, please keep praying my Ob is wrong and that a miracle will happen again.

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