Sunday, May 22, 2011

I am feeling very down and lonely tonight and I am not really sure why.  We had a lovely shabbat with my aunt and uncle up north, then spent some time with friends at a semi-local bonfire for lag b'omer.

As a kid I used to love lag b'omer.  Than as I got older there were loads of bonfires and parties to go to for singles.  Then I got married and in Toronto there was nothing.  Now here there are a million and one bonfires, but as our shul does not do one I feel like I do not really attach to any of them.

Like I said, sort of  lonely and down.

I feel like a moron.  I am sitting here and have tears running down my face for no particular reason.  I am just feeling sad.  I feel like I am just sort of floating in a sensory deprivation chamber and all I can feel is the sad.  Sounds stupid when I see it actually written out but I have no idea how else to describe it.  It is like everything else, all my hard work lately has, for some reason, disappeared in the blink of an eye.

I hate when I get like this and lose control of my feelings.  I can turn to some sort of chemical escape, but mostly it just makes me tired and so I fall asleep to nightmares.

I think that it is also that that is the holiday where there is a tradition to go to Meron to pray for children.  I don't think having done so 2 weeks ago "counts".

I just feel sort of lost.  I could use a CT hug if she happens to see this.

As always, please keep davening for Rachel Marmel bat Mindle Hinda Chaya for a healthy and complete pregnancy in the VERY near future.  So far things are not looking good for this month.


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