Ever since Channah was born mother's day has been the happiest day of my year.  No other day even came close.  This year I am of seriously mixed up feelings.  I was up at 5am looking at the 2 pictures of my beautiful angel.  First they made me happy- I was able to look at them without tears for the first time and see she really had my Channah's eyes and nose, but clearly my shaped mouth.  It is nice to know she had at least a piece of me.  I thought about what it would be like to let that tiny hand in the picture hold my finger.  To rest that tiny head on my shoulder and stroke that soft looking back.

Then came the tears as I remembered that I would never get to do any of those things.  It was not a major breakdown, just fairly quiet, lonely tears.  I am still a mother to that little girl even though she went right "home" instead of coming here.

Then, a few hours later I got a ball of hair in my face as my princess climbed into bed with me for a "snug".  She was all warm and cuddly and sleepy.  This is the little girl that first made me an "mother".  The little girl who called me "meema" for the longest time.  The little girl whose hair I brush, clothes I buy, tuition I pay and hand I hold.  This is the little girl who changed my life for the better the minute she came in to it.

From both girls I have learned different things.  From Channah I have learned patience, I have learned empathy, I have learned that sometimes it is better to just sit by the sidelines and watch until you know how to play the game.  I have learned how terem works, and I have learned how to make a purim costume out of a table clothe.

From Gabbi I have learned not to take anything for granted, that there is no such thing as "safe".  I have learned to value every single second you have with someone. I have learned that you can miss someone so much it causes physical pain to your soul and I have learned you can love someone you have never even met.  I have also learned something about how a community works and how many friends I have when it is really important.

Today I recognize that I am the mother of 2 little girls, one and angel, one a princess, and even if other people do not recognize that fact I am proud of what I have learned from them both,