Monday, May 30, 2011

Well, had Gabbi been born alive she would be just over 3 months old now- I guess that means it has been just over 3 months since my world went black.

I have come a long way in three months.  I went on a date yesterday with my husband and enjoyed myself.  I listen to music again.  I have started reading books so long as they are really light.  The 15 pairs of earring I churned out today for a show later on  this weeks definitely says I am back in the studio, and the shows I have booked means I am seeing customers.  Most of my piano students are back.  I am planning our trip this summer.  Shopping on ebay.  Watching some of the tv shows I enjoy.  I am even hosting the book swap again later on this week.

Looks like I am totally back to "the old Rachel".

Except I'm not.  I go through the motions a lot of the time without having the emotions to go with them.  I light shabbat candles by wrote.  I almost never get through Friday night without tears.  I am taking 3 different pills a couple of times a day to keep me sane, and if I miss a week with my therapist I go ballistic.  I still have moments when I will not let Jason or Channah out of my site, and others where I sob uncontrollably for no particular reason.

I am still avoiding most of my friends.  Pregnant women still make me skittish as do newborns.  While I have starting things like housework again I am doing the bare  minimum for the most part but other times going on insane organizational sprees.  There are times where I think horrible thoughts about myself and others that are just not "me" sort of things to think!  Basically, most of the time I have no idea if I am coming or going and I feel like a nut. (Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.  Right now I am more of an Almond Joy than a Mounds)

In any case, the world has changed through my eyes.  Like the thestrals in Harry Potter I have now seen and understood death and pain and thus there are things I see very differently than I did before.  I try to make better use of every minute.  To help people more and complain to them less.  I cherish every kiss and hug from Channah because I know at some point they will not come as frequently or as easily.  I have learned that not all friends are alike.  Some are like family- and some family is invisible.  I have learned that sometimes total strangers can help the most, and long time time friends can cause the most pain.

I have learned that someone can change your life without ever opening their mouth.

I have learned that some health care workers are incredible and others are so terrible as to seem malicious.  I have learned that many see you as a number, either on a file, on a scale, or on a paycheck and not as a person.  I have learned that if you find a good one hold on for dear life.

I have learned I can fake almost anything if it will make Channah happy, and that her hugs can make even the darkest times a little lighter.  I have learned to rely on Jason more and myself less.  I have learned that there are times to fight for what I know is right and times to let it go because it does not matter anyways.
I have learned it is not always possible to forgive or to forget.

I have watched the world around me go back to it's normal course, and felt myself being pulled along with it.  I can feel my heart resisting.  I should be grieving.  I can feel my head pulling.  I need to be human.  The two sides of my personality fight for dominance and my soul gets caught in the middle.  It wants to grieve and to move forward.  It wants the pain to dull but not to disappear.

I have learned that I can not even begin to comprehend losing a child you knew outside the womb, but others can not begin to comprehend the difference between a still birth and a miscarriage.  I have learned what it is to want something to badly your body plays tricks on you.  To seek things out so thoroughly you will try looking under any rock or take any miracle potion to try to get it.  I also know eventually reality always wins but sometimes you spend a fortune trying to hold it off for a few days.

It feels like so much longer than 3 months.

Obviously I still miss what I would have had, but I am starting to look forward to what will please God eventually be.  No potential child could ever replace the one I lost, but I beg God regularly that he send me one so I have something to do with the extra love built up in my heart.

As always, I end by begging that you please keep davening for a healthy and full term pregnancy that ends with a healthy baby and a healthy mommy for Rachel Marmel bat Mindle Hinda Chaya.

1 comment:

  1. YOU ARE NOT A NUT!! What you are going through is perfectly normal. So what if you fake it. One day it willbe real and not fake. Always davening for you.