For Yom HaZikaron, remembrance day, getting into the right frame of mind was no problem for me.  It seems that all I do is remember those same few hours over and over and over again.  Getting in the mood for Yom HaAtzmaute, Independence day, a giant 24 hour party celebrated across the country with music, barbeque's and outdoor fun is a little- ok a lot- harder.

Last night was the night for my angel.  After the official ceremony of remembrance for the soldiers who fell in wars to protect us and our country, Channah and I davened at the kotel for a healthy, full pregnancy and a healthy baby.  We davened for family and friends, we said tehillim and tefilat Channah.  We spent 20 minutes in deep discussion with God over what we wanted him to send for us.

I keep trying to remind myself that one day I will have my independence from this nightmare I am living- and that when I truly understand that I have made my way through this trial by fire and come out the other end whole and in one piece I will be ready to celebrate the way we celebrate tonight and tomorrow and so I can fake it now as practice.  Unfortunately that plan is not working so well.

But my plan tonight  and tomorrow is, or my Channah's sake, to fake it and hopefully fake it really, really well.  Israel only has one stat day a year and this is it.  Tonight we are going to the big city-run firelight walk and then the carnival/endless speeches/gouge the locals with souvenirs that will not make it home/fireworks 3 hours after the kids should have been in bed and are now tired and cranky and whiny night.  Tomorrow we are going to bbq in a nearby park mostly with friends who have shown their support throughout this difficult time.  Basically, we are trying to put ourselves in positions where we can leave easily if I feel overwhelmed.

Except I really don't feel any of it.  This is one of those times where I am going to have to fake it for someone else and just hope that anxiety and insanity do not set in.  Thus far I have been fairly lucky in that I can let my own emotions rule the days, but now we have come to the point where I need to step outside my selfish self and make sure that I am doing everything I can to put my living daughter first.

After everything else this year I can't take this away from Channah.  I have put on a jean skirt and a white shirt, a blue hat some blue and silver jewelry and we are headed out for 24 hours of fun and frolicking.  What good is living in Israel if you do not take advantage of the fun of Yom HaAtztmaute?  Would I be happier if Gabbi were here with us celebrating her first time with us?  Absolutely.  Am I prepared to  take this day away from Channah, her kitah aleph year with all her friends celebrating her homeland with all her friends at the sports centre?  No way.