Tuesday, May 10, 2011

This morning's ridiculousness has sent me backwards to the point where I am forgetting how to maintain even the slight control over my emotions that I had.  I went to the BBQ today as a zombie on the highest level of clonex I am allowed to take.  This is the first time I have taken an extra dose, even a partial one, in weeks.

I barely interacted with anyone.    I came home to find I had been "defriended" and "blocked".  Probably better that way anyway.  Funny though since all I asked for in the first place was the right to block them until I was ready to see updates on new babies and the such again.  I know it is only Facebook, but it just hurts so much more when it comes from an old friend for whom you spent years willing to bend over backwards to try to help.  To hear him tell me that I am not allowed to feel my emotions or that the way I am doing so is wrong and unfair to him just pushed me over the edge.

I went to the BBQ for Channah.  It was not right for her to miss out on the simchat hayom.  I managed to stay 2 hours and pretend to smile even while my heart was breaking on the inside.

So much for reclaiming mt independence.  Turns out one old friend can undo 2 months of therapy.  Who knew?  And then other people wonder why I do not trust anyone outside my small circle of friends who have been there for me every step of the way so far.

As big as last night's step forward was, I think today's backwards motion was double it.  If things keep up at this speed I will be back at the emotional mess I was the moment I heard I lost my Gabbi.

I know people tell me this nightmare ride is a roller coaster and there is no getting off.  They just did not mention that the highest highs would come from within myself, or that the worst lows would come from my "friends".


  1. A very true statement there - the highest highs come from within yourself. Don't let ANYONE set expectations for you - you can only do what you are capable of at that very moment. No one, NO ONE has the right to tell you that you shouldn't grieve or anything similarly stupid/hurtful/etc. Remind yourself that although you thought that person was a friend in the past, they showed their true colors in your time of need, and you now know they weren't ever really a friend. It sucks, but you can get stronger from it. If people aren't a positive influence in your life, they don't need to be there. You're just putting them all through quite the test now. Sucks that some fail, but at the end, you'll have a better, closer group of friends than ever.

  2. This really hurts. He managed to add salt to the wound he opened. Rachel, if I understand correctly the one who criticized your grieving is a MALE, am I correct? A man can never truly understand a woman's nurturing needs and sense of loss. Gabi lived within YOU. You loved her and nurtured her for 8 months. A man cannot possible understand any of this. What he said is CRUEL. And right now you do not need friends who cannot relate to you, and who feel they smart enough to criticize. Take all the time YOU need to grieve the way YOU need to grieve. Even when that means one step forward, two back.
    Thinking of you warmly, Yourinfo

  3. I don't think anyone, man or women can really truly empathise 100% - but the role of a friend is to just be there and not judge one way or the other. If a friend is incapable if providing the support it is better they are silent. I am male and have a mother and other friends who have gone variations of this situation. While I can't even imagine how it personally feels, I can be supportive and not judge Rachel for what she is going through (and truly I admire her for the strength and character she has shown in such adversity).

  4. When the world as we know it ripped out from beneath our feet & the ones that we count on disappoint us when we need them most, we have no choice but start from scratch in order to be able to move forward. A terribly confusing & painful process but one that only has room for those who truly represent friendship. Thinking of you.

  5. friends were some of the worst disappointments in the aftermaths of my losses. i lost one friendship completely, and with my 2 other close friends, we had constant issues where they couldn't understand why i was still so sensitive and i couldn't understand why they were so insensitive. sigh.

  6. B"H it is just one set of people who have done this to us. We have had others who have not been as helpful or as there for us as we would have expected, but only this one couple treated us as reprehensibly as a school yard bully who did not invite the class loser to their birthday party. I was furious about the whole thing the first day, but I realized that, after walking through hell, who in the world needs the sort of self centered, self righteous people as friends who put their emotions so far ahead of ours that we count for nothing. It is not a relationship to waste my time grieving for. I know real grief and it should not be wasted on poorly chosen friends.