Sunday, May 1, 2011

Many of my friends have written to me to be sure I am okay- or worse yet they are worried I am upset with them in some way- because I have been mostly out of touch since we lost gabbi.  Please understand, one of the reasons that I started writing here so that people would know where I was holding without having to explain myself a hundred times.  Each times gets more muddled and it becomes a game of broken telephone until the rumours going around are just insane.

I am not made ant anyone, and there is no one I do not want to speak to because they have children/are pregnant/are going through some other matzav.  It is just that my life right now is waking up in the morning and figuring out exactly what I need to get through the day with my heart, brain and soul at least as intact as they were when I opened my eyes.  If I can do a little bit of repair work along the way so much the better, but I at least do not want to run into anything that can make it worse.

I have put up a very tight, protective fence around myself and very few people are really allowed inside.  I never know what is going to set me off into an anxiety attack that can take hours or even days to come out of.  I have been known to lose it over conversations about the weather and realizing that my Gabbi will never know the cool breeze of spring on her face.  I have been known to leave a full cart of groceries in the store and leave with tears running down my cheeks as I get to the formula section.

As selfish as it sounds, and it really is, my only goal right now is to try to make it through my days with my heart and soul as intact as possible.

Losing a pregnancy, at any stage, but especially once they look  like like, and could be, a fully thriving and happy baby (lets not forget Gabbi was older, bigger, and in all ways but one healthier than Channah was when she was born) is something that changes you.  I look into a mirror and I see a ghost looking back at me.  My eyes scare me because they look haunted.  I don't get pleasure from anything I used to enjoy.  Lets be clear.  No matter what any medical professional tells me.  No matter how ridiculous any of my friends or family think I am being.  I blame myself for the loss of my daughter.  I look in the mirror and see a woman who killed her own baby.  I am not the same person I was I was before February 28th- and I never will be.

And that is why I find me distancing myself from anyone outside of my current inner circle of support.  It is only those who have seen me now at my worst that I truly trust to help hold me together when I need it.  I trust them not to take offense to anything I scream in anger or sob in grief.  Them who I trust to hold me together on days when I find my soul shattering into millions of tiny pieces.  In my heart I know there are others who can and would be just as supportive, but if you are not here, and not a solid part of helping me contain my physical grief that tends to lash out and destroy me when I least expect it, than I do not have the koach to maintain that relationship right now.

I appreciate the notes and prayers and  thoughtful wishes, and I do try now to respond to each one (at the beginning I was so overwhelmed with hundreds of messages it was just not possible).  I honestly appreciate any second of thought or prayer you can give to my situation- and I hope that you understand that all my energy is currently going into just keeping myself going.

I love and respect and hold dear each and every person who is worried about me; who calls and writes and tries to offer prayers and comfort in their own way.  I am just not strong enough yet to return the favours.

As always, I beg that you keep wishing, hoping and praying for a healthy, full term pregnancy with a healthy, full term baby at the end.

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