Tuesday, May 10, 2011

It never ceases to amaze me  how one comment from a "good friend" can cause enough pain to make me want to hide in my bed again forever.  To be told that my feelings are invalid because he thinks I should take it otherwise, and that "my perception" is wrong.

I have never before wished this nightmare on anyone, but now I wish that just for one minute they could feel the pain they caused.  Feel the raw edges where they pulled apart the scab that was just starting to form on my soul. I AM ENTITLED TO MY FEELINGS even if you, who Baruch Hashem have never felt such pain in your life, do not understand why I feel them.

Infertility followed by a still birth is agony.  It is the agony of feeling like my own body works against me.  It is the agony of feeling like I have been given the punishment from God of Karet and cut off for any future generations.  It is the agony of grief of losing the child and not assuming another one will come along.  Making me feel like a nebuch case, even if you mean it in the best of ways, IS GOING TO HURT and telling me that I AM WRONG for feeling pain because "you meant it sincerely" is right up there will saying "it's not loshon harah because it is true".  It is the very fact that you meant it sincerely that makes it so truly painful.

Not that I think the people this is aimed at will ever see this, not do I think they would care if they did, but what it comes down to is- sometimes, praying for someone, taking challah for someone, doing a segulah for someone is best left unsaid because the feeling that can come along with it, the pain of being the nebuch case is worse, much worse, that the "warmth" of knowing they care.

This morning I received a "go back to start" card in this stupid game I am playing.  Every time I think I am finally getting ahead, finally getting somewhere, something happens and I am left a sobbing mess in my bedroom scared to face the world.

I would sincerely like to thank those people from  this morning for reminding me that my feelings, and my grief should be dictated by others, and for bringing out the evil side of me that I am trying to work on by having me wish them the pain I feel just for an instant.


  1. Being around someone who is grieving can be uncomfortable. If you are going to get angry or blame those who are grieving for the discomfort, shows where your heart lies.

  2. I can relate so much to your experience. After losing James I remember how deeply hurt I was after several disapointments from so called friends. When you feel like you have sunk to the bottom & someone rips the ground out from under you - again - it just feels hopeless.

    What you need to know is that it will probably happen again & your anger is understandable. Because anger is a normal part of grieving, having somewhere tangible to direct it can help- when everything seems so confusing & unpredictable.

    Strengh & hugs to you - I think about you everyday & hope you know there is love out there in places you never thought of or knew about.