Thursday, May 5, 2011

Time passes.  It is Rosh chodesh Iyar.  Had everything gone according to plan my Gabbi would likely be a month old and we would be starting to work on getting her Canadian citizenship and passport in order for our trip.  Every passing date marker is hard.  Each Rosh Chodesh, each shabbat- every day makes me realize that I am one day further from the days I was so hopeful and excited for my little princess to join us.

Every time I do anything that I remember thinking "ok, how am I going to manage this with a stroller" I stop and wish to God that I had such problems now.  Each time I can just run down the steps on shabbat I stop and think about how much harder it should have been by now to get to shul.  Now it is next to impossible but for different reasons.

I turn 32 this weekend.  Who would have thought that at  32 I would only have one little girl, and one special angel?  You always hear about these things and think they only happen to other people, but this time the other person was me.

Mother's day is Sunday.  Another milestone I thought I would be celebrating with my 2 girls instead of just 1.  These "milestone dates" are killing me.  I have no soul left to shatter and yet I feel like like the sand left over from smashing the glass of my soul is being ground ever finer.  Soon it will be so fine as to be a  powder that can blow away in the slightest breeze.

It has be about 2 1/2 months months since I lost my angel- almost a quarter of a year, and I don't think I feel even the tiniest bit better.  My doctors suggest taking a year without making myself crazy with tracking everything, but anyone who knows me knows that is not going to happen.  I may not use the hafnayot I begged for for ultrasounds and bloodwork, but I will use the random store bought test kits to track what is going on.  I might use the hafnayot.  Who knows?  I just don't want to lose a year so that by the time we really start trying Channah is nearly 10 and I am nearly 35!  That  brings all sorts of new risks into the picture.

We have started loosely talking about adoption from within the country.  Might gte the forms just to get on the waiting list as it has been known to take years.  I don't know.  I feel like I can't really make any major decisions right now.

I am still a horrible emotional mess.  I barely speak to anyone but my closest friends and have no patiences for pretty much anyone else.

Almost 1/4 of a year latter shouldn't I be starting to feel at least a little bit better?

Yom HaAtzmaute is next week.  I don't really want to participate in the festivities.  Too many strollers and babies.  Not sure I can handle it.  I normally love Yom HaAtmaute.  I am just not me any more and any passing time seems to take me farther away from who I was rather than closer to who I want to be.


  1. Rachel, you have GOT to quit giving yourself a date by which you will "be better", "feel better" or "be done grieving". There's no official timeline for things like this, these aren't goals. It's different for everyone. I remember crying about my miscarriage even after I was already pregnant with my daughter. And even after she was born, then I grieved for having my pregnancy cut short, for never having that "pregnant look". I'm 32 as well, with only one daughter, and a house sale standing in the way of us even getting to try again.

    But that's beside the point. Give yourself permission to grieve, and to take as much time as you need. If anyone is expecting you to be better by a certain date, they are crazy and don't understand grief. You'll feel better when you do, and not a moment before. And that stupid OB set you back further, remember that. Not your fault, the OB's fault. *hugs*

  2. Hugs and much love. I agree with Ladyllsebet. Grief is individual with no timelines and zig zag rather than linear.


  3. The mind is a very powerful. It can be very constructive but can also be very destructive. Positivity feeds the constructivity. Negativity feeds destructiveness. I have learned that if you try and stay as positive as you can, no matter how hard it is, it helps be less destructive. The less destructive you can be to yourself, the faster you can heal. Healing has no time line, it is minute by minute. Hold on to the positive minutes and try and ride out the terrible ones. Blame and guilt are the worst for destructiveness. They also do not take back what happened. however love and sharing are very constructive. Trying to be thankful for what you have and where you are, no matter how big or small, help built up positivity. Please know we are here to love and support you as much as we can from near and far. Although we may not know what to say, and are fearful of saying something that may make things worse for you, we care about our dear friend and wish that your hope and dreams are string enough to pull you through. Love and big hugs, Karen

  4. Who thought I would be 40 with one little girl?

    Tracking and timelining is normal. I do it too, though it isn't good for me.

    Since when is turning 32 ALMOST 35? Stop magnifying your age. It is what it is. And the only difference between 32 and 35 or 40 is the horrible title you will receive as "advanced maternal age". Silly.

    Three months is nothing. Sounds to me like you are just accepting the reality of what happened. A little anger, questioning things, tracking..... If you were "all better" in your words, then I'd be concerned. It seems like yesterday to me and I am half way around the world.

    Skip the festivities this year. For the exact reasons mentioned.

    And try to enjoy your birthday even if it is just for Channah. For one day help her help you let go. One day.


  5. "Almost 1/4 of a year latter shouldn't I be starting to feel at least a little bit better?"

    not really, no. a couple of months is not very long.