Wednesday, May 18, 2011

A friend who has had her share of grief linked me to the article called "Bad things don't Happen : Finding light in the darkness" by Rabbi Shaul Rosenblatt.  The truth is, as I am sure you can understand, the last few months have been sort of like walking through my own personal hell. I have no idea how anyone does it on their own, I thank god a million times a day that I have Jason by my side through all of this.

Well, more accurately, I have only recently started thanking God for anything. For the first few months we were not exactly on speaking terms. The truth is, until very, very recently I found secular books on grieving and loss to be much more comforting than anyone or anything telling me that it was all a part of God's plan and I should accept it.

Then I had someone tell me something that sort of changed my point of view. God is a big boy. He can look after himself. I can get as mad at him as I want, and he can take it. And so I did. I let loose with all the fury I could muster, and boy did I let it go. I went into my room and screamed and cried until my voice was gone and my eyes burned bright red. And then I realized that for the most part, my fury had burned itself out.

I now realize there must be something I am supposed to take away from this. I am not sure I know what it is, but obviously God thought I was not ready for such a precious gift as Gabbi's tiny, holy neshama.

I am now working on myself and my anger- after seeing the fury of which I am capable I have decided that maybe God took her from me as an opportunity to work on my temper and my anger. I will never, ever say loosing my little girl is a good thing, but I am trying to learn out something positive from it.

I am back on limited speaking terms with God now. Jason and I are praying with all our hearts and souls for a healthy and full term pregnancy as quickly as possible and doing everything we can to help that along- including focusing on tefilah and working on our midot.

As always, please keep davening for Rachel Marmel bat Mindle Hinda Chaya for a healthy, full term pregnancy in the VERY near future.


  1. Rachel - I am so glad you are writing because I felt much of what you are feeling now after both my losses, and more so after the second, but I thought that there was something wrong with me and that no one else in the world had ever felt this way about G-d. Thank you for proving to me that I am not alone.

  2. I am not exactly going to say "my pleasure" but I am glad you feel that it is helpful. I am curious. You do not need to answer, but do I know you from somewhere? I mean, how did you come to read this blog?

  3. You know me from online - FB and forum, and I live in RBSA although we've never met.