Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Seriously, I know I already wrote this afternoon that today I seem to be an emotional nutjob, but what the hell is wrong with me today?  I can't stop crying.  I have been working, doing a tutorial to learn something new.  I went out.  Finished some really nice pieces.  Made Channah clean up her junk in the living room.  And I am miserable as all get out.  I have no idea why.

I feel like I have gone back in time 2 months to when these stupid breakdowns were happening regularly.  Everyone tells me I am doing so well and then here I have a day that I just fall apart for no reason whatsoever.  This makes no sense.

I want my baby.  I want my Gabbi.  I am having the sort of day where I can't for the life of me remember how to move forward.  I am stuck and falling and falling fast.  I know people told me there were still going to be bad days, but as they space further and further apart they get harder and harder to deal with as I am not ready for them any more.

Remind me please someone. Anyone.  How do I get myself out of this stupid downward spiral.  Everyone else has moved on.  All my friends are back to their own lives and I totally understand that.   I think every woman I know is pregnant.  And I am stuck here.  Can't go to see the fertility clinic until after we get back from our vacation.  My glucose numbers have started going insane.  I have no idea what is going on with my own system even though I am doing everything right and have put myself back on the very straight and narrow.  I am taking all my medication at exactly the right times.

And nothing is helping.   My numbers are still insane.  My life still feel empty.  Sure I have gotten really good at faking "normal" but I'm not.  No matter how much like the old me I seem I am still feeling empty and hollow inside so much of the time.  And those brief moments when I am not, I feel guilty for not feeling bad.

I am so lonely all of the time.  Good friends have turned their backs on us.  Others are just "bad at staying in touch".  Most just have their own lives to lead.  But now, going on to 4 months later I feel like I am left mostly unsupported and I can only hold myself together for so long before I loose the koach to keep my sanity in one piece.

Yesterday I had my therapist cracking up.  She loves my sense of humour.  I told her it comes and goes.  Truth is, it is my old sense of humour, but it is mostly an act that I can't stop putting on even for the people trying to help.  It is not that I do not want the help- I most assuredly do, I just don't know how to turn off the smart ass comments that she finds so amusing.  That is just part of who I am and I have no idea how to turn it off.  Even in the hospital in recovery after the c section where they took my precious baby and I never got to see her again I was cracking jokes because that is the only way that I know how to cope.

But I don't think that I am coping nearly as well as people think that I am.

I am scared and confused and lonely and so miserable.  I feel like even most of the people who love me are just tired of hearing about how I am really doing.  So I stop talking about it.  I pretend that I have started moving on.  I pretend everything is fine.  I pretend peoples jokes and comments about  "well maybe you should think about having a baby" don't bother me.  I pretend to laugh them off.

But inside my heart is breaking.  No.  That's wrong . Something smashed to bits can't break anymore.  It is the ground up dust of what is left that is now blowing away in the cold wind of loneliness and taking with it the last hope I had of ever really feeling like myself again.

I work to get away from the pain, but working brings more pain because I feel like I am running from my real feelings.  Sure I am producing some of the nicest pieces I have ever made, but I feel like if they sell at all it will be pity sales for the nebby woman who's daughter is dead.

I am in a sealed box and can't see out and just feel like everyone is pointing and laughing and gossiping behind my back.  I walk into a room and people are shocked to see me- then the whispering starts.

I know I am nebby and ugly and beastly and fat and not all that smart- but I am an okay parent and an okay artist and doesn't that count for anything for me?  Why do I feel so worthless all the time?  I am not even capable of carrying a baby full term- something that 11 year olds have been known to do.  Crack whores can do it.  Evil people.  Poor people.  Mean people.  They can all do it.  Just not me.

Hi, I'm worthless nice to meet you.


  1. You are NOT worthless! Not in the least bit.

  2. Rachel, you are not worthless!! But remember that everyone has setbacks on their path forward. The main thing is that they slowly become fewer and farther between. Today was an off day. I trust that tomorrow will be better. It says "7 times a tzaddik falls and gets up." Why is he called a tzaddik then? Because he gets up!

  3. You are not worthless. You are a grieving mother. I think you made an interesting point, as the bad days get stretched out further and further apart it becomes harder and harder to deal with them. As hard as that is, it is good. It means you are moving on, even if it is at a snail's pace. Snails eventually get where they are going and you will too. (Trust me on the snail thing, we have a whole fishtank full of those little suckers!) - (hugs)

  4. You are not worthless. You are loved, and cared about. You happen to be going through one of the worst experiences a mother can ever go through. You will have beyond S(*tty days you will have better days. Feel your feelings they are all ok. Some things that may help talk to your doctor about your medical concerns? Also you may consider talking to your therapist about your real feelings, you are not there to make them laugh. You are there for them to help you. If you need anything even long distance I am more than happy to assist. I am semi trained in this. Love Ilana Cowen

  5. Not useless for even one minute!! And I know the feeling of "why can't this happen when it's so easy for other people", I really do. But it did happen for you, and that's what you have to remember - it may not have been full-term for Channah, but look how she turned out! From what I've seen you write about her, the length of time she was in the womb hasn't made one iota of difference in the end, she's turned out perfectly. Please G-d you'll have another child soon who is just as perfect - I'm sending all of my best wishes your way, and I hope you feel better. Grieving is important, and doesn't have a time-limit, regardless of what your friends may think. And think of it this way - you celebrated Gabi for 8 months, why should you only grieve for half that time?


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  7. yes, it is tough to deal with the bad days when they are further apart. they always knocked me over and took me by surprise. how come, if i was doing better, the bad days feel as bad as in the beginning? but that's how it works.

    also, so true that 4 months down the line that other ppl have moved on and there is still a lot of grief work to be done. i found even at 6 months this was the case. i read online on perinatal bereavement sites that it takes most ppl over a year.

  8. "I am not even capable of carrying a baby full term- something that 11 year olds have been known to do. Crack whores can do it. Evil people. Poor people. Mean people. They can all do it. Just not me."

    I completely know how you feel, in fact I'm pretty sure that I said that to my husband after our 3rd miscarriage. I won't even get excited when we find out we are pregnant because the first thing that come into my mind isn't how great it is but "How long will it last this time?"