For the first and hopefully only time I forgot to take my medication this morning.  Turns out that apparently I become a manic depressive when that happens.  I go from talking a mile a minute and laughing hysterically to weeping over a crack in the sidewalk.  From shopping and working at a superhuman pace to having no interest in anything.

I have eaten a cheese string, a granola bar, drunk a bottle of water and a glass of caffeine free diet coke all day.  I have also been chewing a lot of gum which is something I only do when I want to snack on something but am not hungry.

I spent most of my morning with Jason and a friend supply shopping in Tel Aviv.  It was actually a lot of fun (for me, maybe not so much for him).  At my last stop my favourite supplier was very visibly, noticeably 8 months pregnant.  I did not run from the store and even managed to wish her a beshah tovah.

Where is my baby?  Why does everyone else get one.  Even my parents are pressuring me now into having one- what?  You think I wanted to lose Gabbi?  You think I just woke up one morning 8 months in and decided I was not in the mood for this anymore?  I can promise you that moment never happened.  I want a baby as much as the next person- in fact, I probably want it a whole lot more than most.  So why in the world am I stuck in this stupid position of having lost my baby while everyone else gets to have one?

I have taken my night medication already so I should start to feel better soon.  I hope.   Right now I am miserable and my thoughts are all over the place.  I did get a lot of work done though during my high moments.  I also laid out a work schedule for the rest of the week so hopefully I will get back into the groove.

Work tomorrow morning.  Shiluv in the afternoon.  Work Wednesday morning.  Piano students in the afternoon.  Thursday work all day.  I have about 100 pieces lined up ready to go with all my supplies.  If I can keep up the manic times I should to great.

I do have to say that the stuff I am doing this year is leaps and bounds ahead of what I was doing last year.  So much cleaner.  I learned a lot about cleaning up my work when I learned about cleaning up waxes.  Now if only I could clean up my life.

Truth is, this recovery does seem to follow much of the same pattern as making a piece of jewelery.  Start with raw emotion that does nobody any good as is but is to expensive to just attack head on without a plan.  Put it under heat, than acid, smack it, hammer it, cut it down, examine it, file away the rough edges, examine it again, put it under more heat, more acid, then throw it into a tumbler for a few hours to try to take off any remaining rough edges before taking it to the most dangerous of all the machinery in the studio and trying to give it a nice shiny polish that will disappear the first time someone touches it without wearing kid gloves.

Great, me and the ring I just make have more in common that me and most of the animal kingdom.  I have heard tell than margarine is only one molecule off from plastic.  I wonder how far off I am from a piece of scrap metal.

Why do I have a feeling that this entry makes no sense whatsoever?  Oh well.  This is my blog for my thoughts and this is where my thoughts are today.  Confused.  Frustrated.  Kind of manic.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a more well balanced day.  Hopefully.  One can dream.  Of course, most of my dreams still turn into nightmares so maybe I should try to stop dreaming.

It is just that I keep thinking I am starting to get better.  I can put on a really good show nowadays.  But when I am alone and have time to think I am just as miserable as I always was.

I was listening to my ipod before and the song "Reflections" from Mulan (the end credits version) came on and I realized that the song was ridiculously accurate as a representation of me right now.

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart

Who is that girl I see 

staring straight back at me? 

When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world what’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that I’m someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

There’s a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal what we think?  How we feel
Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that I’m someone else for all time
When will my reflections show who I am inside?
When will my reflections show who I am inside?

Do I spend to much time on this blog talking about music from random soundtracks?  I think I do.  Ah well.  What do I care.  My blog.  I can write about what I want right?