Tonight is the first night in a very long time that I am home alone (well, with Channah asleep) for a long period of time without Jason. So far so good. I am definitely lonelier and sadder than I would be if he were home- which is sort of funny because the baby should only be a month or so old so it is not like she would have been the best company. I am feeling a little, I don't know, maybe dejected is the right word?
It just feels like the world has gone back to normal and I still can't "get over" what happened and get back to myself. I have signed up for a show so I have real purpose to being back in the studio, and I have a few jobs I am working on. I have taken back most of my piano students. I am basically back to living my life the way I did before I was pregnant- spent this afternoon cleaning my room and reorganizing my night table.
My therapist thinks I am on a cleaning binge because "since I can't control what happened to me I am trying to control my environment". Meh. Truthfully, even if that is the case there is nothing wrong with my apartment meeting my bubbie's standards of cleanliness for once in my life. Seriously Bubbie- if you are reading this now- I BLEACHED MY TILE GROUT.
I cleaned out my closet. Got rid of everything too big and put away maternity stuff. We are almost caught up on laundry for the first time in ages. Took stuff to the dry cleaners that needed to go. I even finally got around to buying new fitted sheets for our beds as ours are American sized and we have Israeli mattresses. I was spending half my nights trying to tuck my fitted sheet back into the corners.
Since my pre-pregnancy days I have lost a bunch of weight, 7 inches in my hips and 5 in my waist. The depression chocolate and cheese only diet seems to be working great for me. I also seem to have gained a cm and a half in height. I don't know. Maybe all the screaming and crying stretched my neck out of shape or something. What do I know.
So long story longer, I am alone but coping okay and pretty proud of me if I do say so myself. I am not exactly getting the work done I wanted to- more goofing around on the computer (I'll finish knotting the pearls tomorrow when I am not so tired and start building inventory for the show), but at least I am managing on my own holed up in my bedroom.
As always, please keep davening for a full term, healthy pregnancy VERY VERY SOON for Rachel Marmel bat Mindle Hinda Chaya.
Rachel - not the same at all but after Peter was born and I was in the throngs of horrid Post Partum Depression I too went on a cleaning binge. Therapist said exactly the same thing to me. Since I couldn't control what was happening to me, I was trying to control my surroundings. Sometimes I still do use cleaning and organizing as a coping mechanism.
ReplyDeleteYou should be proud - you are doing great. You are always in my prayers.