Wednesday, May 4, 2011

My god I am hating my life right now.  The medicine change seems to have been a really bad plan.  I am miserable.  I am feeling like I want to curl up into a ball and hide in a cave or under the kitchen table and cry until the kineret is full to overflowing and my eyes are redder than the lines we painted and ignore to tell us how low it it has gotten.

I am miserable, sad, lonely and I have no idea what to do about any of it.  I want a baby.  I want my baby.  But I just want a baby in my arms.  I want a husband who understands me and understands how to be comforting.  Would you believe he thought a birthday party was going to help matters this year?  I can hardly stand being around one or two people at a time and a party sounds like a good idea?  Who in their right mind would think that is a good idea?

I  love my husband very, very much but it feels like he has no idea who I am or what I need.  He has not got a single frikken romantic bone in his body.  God, I shouldn't be complaining.  He is a wonderful provider and an amazing father.  He has a great worth ethic.  He is smart.  He is diligent.  And I have gotten over blaming him for the night we lost Gabbi.

Yeah, I have stopped blaming him and taken all the blame myself.  I am an adult.  I could have called a taxi.  I could have called an ambulance, but I didn't.  And because I didn't my Gabbi is dead.  That is what it comes down to- even my ob agreed that things could have worked out differently if I had gone to the hospital that night when I was concerned.  It is my fault that my little girl is in some unmarked grave rotting away while I am sitting here above ground rotting away just as quickly.

I have nothing, absoluty nothing left holding me together.  It is like my soul is made of glass and has been shattered into smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller pieces until there is no possible way to figure out which piece goes where.  I am stuck in this stupid rut that I just can't get out of with this stupid glass wall between me and everyone else on the planet.  for some reason although the glass of my soul can be smashed into billions of trillions of pieces the one between me and everyone else in completely impenetrable.

I am tired of living a life of misery that I can't seem to get out of.  I am doing everything everyone says.  I take the medication.  I go for walks.  I get out.  I work.  I try to force myself to think about other things, but I am ANGRY!  I am ANGRY at me and I am angry at God and I am angry at Jason.  I am angry at the doctrors that could not save my angel and the doctors who can't make me feel better.  I am angry that I am going to be 32 this week and hate myself so much right now I can't even aknowledge the 1 precious gift God has given me in Channah.  I am angry that this mothers day I still only have one special little girl when I was supposed to have 2.

I know there is something about the stsages of grieving and I am pretty sure that one of them is anger and I AM THERE.  I am mad as hell at me and at pretty much the rest of the world and I feel like there is not a soul out there who can even begin to understand where I am.  I know this has happened to other people.  I am not stupid or naive enough to believe I am the first woman to ever lose a baby, but this was my miracle child.  The child I was happy enough not to have- until God sent her to me.  God teased me.

Then he made it worse and sent healthy, happy little bundles of pink to so many other people right after mine should have been coming home with me.  Then he had my ob take away my hope.  My last hope.  My only hope.

How the hell am I supposed to believe in an almighty God who is so mean that he teases and torments women who want nothing but to serve him as well as they can.  If it were just me that would be one thing, but even the holy imahos all dealt with the same thing.  Why God?  So you can see if we really love you?  WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE TO YOU????  You are in total control anyway.  Whether we love you or hate you makes no difference in the grand scheme of things.  One day, the final battle between gog and magog will happen and you have the great armagedon battle all planned out to a T already don't you?  We KNOW who is going to win.  YOU.  People are just stupid little pawns in your game of chess with the universe.

Well you know what God, I have had enough of playing your games.  I want out.  I am tired of living my life by your rules only to have you not hold up your end of the bargain.  I am tired of trying to be a good person while those who lie and cheat and steal have the huge families and the mountains of strollers.  I am tired of everyone around me having kid after kid and listening to them complain about how hard it is to have/look after so many kids.  How the baby keeps them up at night.  Jealousy between siblings.  Hospital trips when someone falls.  I would do anything, I would kill, for just one more chance to do it all.

Channah is growing up so fast sometimes I forget which one of us is the imma.  She dries my tears now and hugs away my pain.

When I was in high school I thought I would never want children.  Now I would do  anything in the world for just one more.

I hate the life I am living trapped inside the body of a person who is stuck in this stupid rut who has nowhere to go but forward in the same rut.


  1. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. And many tears......but no words. Yourinfo

  2. I came to your blog via ATime - all I can say is I'm sending you hugs and to say I'm thinking of you. I know what it feels like to lose the hope of a failed pregnancy, but only at earlier stages of a pregnancy, so I can't emphathize with exactly how you're feeling. But based on my feelings of sorrow, anger, hopelessness from my repeated preg. losses, I have some inkling about your feelings.
    Oh, and I'm also furious with G-d, but that's another story.
    Sending you lots of love and hugs,
    x J